Sunday, December 21, 2008

Wintry Overlook

The winter months oddly seem the time to reflect on the past, and usually an atonement is gathered in the thoughts of those that memory loss tried to claim. But there is always one little spark of something left undone or unspoken that requires a New Years resolution. Sometimes it's an inane thought of improving the physical self. Sometimes it's a thought of a past thread that should try to be mended and woven into the fabric of the present state of affairs.

For me, it's been eight years of something of the latter - a mental spark of trying to find someone and piece together those frayed threads of misunderstanding and ignorance.

Every year a thought - like a dream on a teetering edge of a rocky cliff, that a whisper on the breeze might send over the side - goes through my mind to follow up, and to a certain extent I have; just not far enough. For whatever reason, it remained out of my grasp.

That reason, however, was made clear recently. I hadn't the strength to do something when I should have, and now that atonement will remain unfulfilled in my mind forever.

I'm afraid of it, and brave it at the same time; afraid that it will claim someone that I care about deeply, but embrace it knowing that I've done the best I can with what I've been given.

PFS - I was jealous that it seemed your life was finally coming together, at a time where mine was uncertain. Death is a fickle bitch. It doesn't care the means of how, who, when, where, or why, but it cares in the end. You were teased by it, tormented by it; you made it a part of you.

In death, I hope you have found the peace that eluded you in life...

Respect is taken, when respect is given ...

Namaste and Slainte